Gobots! The poor kid's transformers

Gobots weren't actually a knockoff of Transformers and they may have actually pre-dated them on the American market. Both came from Japan originally, but Transformers quickly and clearly took over as the most desirable transforming robot toy in America. No matter how you look at the history, children in America knew what was up. Gobots were lame and Transformers ruled. Maybe they were less creative and flashy or maybe they were just marketed poorly. Either way, we wanted Transformers for our birthdays/christmas. Invariably, some well intentioned, but ill informed relative would buy us a Gobot (Look honey, it's one of those robots you love so much!) and we'd be forced to integrate it with our Transformer population.

Looking at the photos online, I realize that we had several more than I ever remembered. This one was called Zeemon. As you can see, it's pretty boring. I remember liking it because of the realistic interior portion of the car. It was almost a die cast model that turned into something that slightly resembles a robot.Here's a screenshot from the cartoon that was only created to sell the toys. Notice how the animation is terrible. The car/robot/whatever looks like a bad guy from Space Ghost.These were called Rock Lords. They were robots that transformed into.....ROCKS! What better way to spark your childhood imagination other than figuring out scenarios for your robots to get themselves into once they converted back into ROCKS. Oh no! Here come the bad guys. Better transform into a rock and just sit here until they pass by.

Fun side note: My brother and I named our first band ever "The Rock Lords," based on the toy name and the implication that we ruled at rocking. We used the pails and buckets that McDonalds sold with their Happy Meals as drums and had a few sweet plastic guitars.
I also had this toy and really thought it was awesome. This is probably due to the fact that it says "Future Machine" on it. I never knew it was a Gobot until today. I always assumed it was an even more off brand transformer.


This commercial, as with all 80's toy commercials, showed the children with access to play areas that none of us would ever have. Notice the presence of water and sweet accessories (logs/string).

M.U.S.C.L.E.

M.U.S.C.L.E. apparently stood for Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere. I don't remember this fact, but wikipedia is never wrong. These little figurines exemplified a typical marketing trend of 80's toys: "Collect them all!" With M.U.S.C.L.E, however, the problem was there were 236 of them. It was nearly impossible to get your hands on every last one, let alone convince your mom to buy them for you. I distinctly remember the weird alien hand on the top right (above) being one of my favorites.

The toys came at random in packs of 4 (traditional blister packs) or 10 (the garbage cans). They also came in a jumbo 28 pack (to let you get a big jump on your collection). Since the packs were filled randomly, it made even harder to complete your collection.Originally, they came only in the bizarrely pasty pink flesh color, but eventually were sold in multiple hues. For some reason, I only had original, red, and purple. One of the purple guys looked like he was made out of chiseled rock and I aptly nicknamed him "Rocky." He was my favorite because his waist size was bigger than average, requiring me to physically jam him into the "Hard Knockin' Rockin' Ring"The ring was much like a rock-em sock-em robots game, but the goal was to knock the other figurine out of his holster. This was nearly impossible with Rocky, as he reigned supreme as lifetime champion.

One final note that I distinctly remember was how the commercials would always show a particularly cool figurine that everyone wanted. Naturally, this lone toy would be the hardest to find, prompting many additional purchases and false boasts of having one at home, but not ever bringing it to school to prove it.

Michael Jackson Sequin Glove

Michael Jackson was easily THE coolest pop star in the 80's, especially for a kid under 10. Naturally, we wanted to accessorize ourselves in a similar fashion to the yet to be self proclaimed king of pop (prince of pop?). When we found out that Toys R Us had a sequin glove for sale, we flipped out. Obtaining said glove became the utmost priority in our lives, way higher than acquiring Lik-m-aid or finishing that game of tether ball. I remember going to the store and finding it on the shelf. Immediately, something didn't seem right. We could see into the plastic package enough to realize it contained a white glove and a small bag of sequins. I don't remember if it actually came with glue.

We realized that the so called Michael Jackson sequin glove was just a re-packaged craft kit, not a finished product. Not wanting to have to work with glue, sequins, and two sure to be disappointed children, our Mom somehow talked us out of buying it. I don't know why we couldn't have just gone to the Craft World and bought two cotton gloves, some glue, and a bag of silver sequins instead, but we didn't. There was no glove, and thus no real moon walking going on in our family room that night. A real part of me grew up that day.

Teddy Ruxpin

I don't know who named this toy, but they were probably British. Who names a children's toy "Ruxpin?" We didn't own a Teddy Ruxpin, but our neighbor did. It was a hot toy in the mid 80's, and his mom worked at JC Penney. She actually brought him home the display Teddy Ruxpin, which had all this additional plastic hardware attached to his back so he could be affixed to the display. It was kinda like a bionic Teddy Ruxpin.

Much like Patton Oswalt's Alvin and the Chipmunks bit , Teddy Ruxpin would turn into a demonic beast from the 9th circle of hell when his batteries would get low. We enjoyed this much more than the usual lovey dovey drivel that he would otherwise spew out.

At some point, we decided that Teddy had to go and we pretty much dissected him. This resulted in his eyes becoming a new toy. I distinctly remember taking the eyes and keeping them in my room for some disturbing reason.

I guess Teddy Ruxpin was the friend for the kid who had no friends. But he wasn't very cuddly, as his insides housed a cassette player and speaker.

Micro Machines: It's the real thing

Despite their size, Micro Machines were HUGE in the late 80's. I used to have a billion of them, and of course the Lamborghini was THE coolest one you could own. I think the one pictured above (which is actually mine that I still have) is the pinnacle of 80's coolness with its fluorescent yellow paint job and hot pink windshield. The cars ranged in complexity from the simple ones like the Lamborghini pictured above to ones with interchangeable wheels; opening doors, trunks, and hoods; and working head and tail lights. There were also a slew of accessories and larger toys that came later on. I also had the aircraft carrier, which stored a few dozen cars in the bottom level (like all real-life aircraft carriers), had elevators to bring the fighter jets to the launching deck, and storage for smaller boats.
There was also a series of city style toys where you could drive your micro machines around. I used to have both of these and loved them so much. You could connect as many of these together as you wanted to build a huge megalopolis or you could be content to play with one at a time.



Looking at these pictures now makes me want them all back with a wide open living room floor and about 4 hours of a Saturday afternoon.

Battle Beasts

Toy companies are evil. They prey on stupid kids with lame gimmicks and force parents to spend money on toys that aren't even easy for their kids to play with. Take Battle Beasts, another Hasbro debacle. I probably had about ten of these little buttholes. Standing at only 2" tall, they were too small to do much with, yet do to powers completely out of my control, I wanted them all? Why? Because they had heat-sensitive rubbing squares on their chests that revealed what element they represented, that's why! Yes, each little Battle Beast had either 'wood', 'fire' or 'water' embossed on their armored chest plate, but you could only find out which element a Battle Beast would represent until you bought the thing and rubbed it (this is getting graphic).

Aside from the novelty and mystery of what symbol they'd represent, as kids, we always fell for

toys that played with the size of things. "Oh my God! It's a *tiny* car and not a regular sized car!

That's awesome! Give me twenty of em." I did have fun with them though. I guess? I mean, what can you do with them? Their joints barely moved.

I now realize the white lion in the blue with the eye patch looks like David Bowie circa Diamond Dogs.

Food Fighters: Freaky Fun

Food Fighters were one of the last sets of toys I had as a kid. I remember visiting our cousin in Pennsylvania and he had a few of the action figures. For whatever childhood reason, we decided that they were the new coolest thing ever. Looking back on them after many years makes me realize how freakish some of them really were.

For example, check out the chicken wing above (Lieutenant Legg). That's a really freaky face he's got. Also pictured above is Sgt. Scoop and Private Pizza. Sgt. Scoop was my favorite of the food fighters and I honestly don't remember why. I think it was the first one I got.

Some great bad guy names were Mean Weener and Taco Terror. After reading all the names on the wikipedia entry, I realized that the good guys were ranking officers of some culinary branch of the military, while the bad guys were street level gangsters. I'm not sure how the two got pitted together, but then again, if that's the only fact error we're concerning ourselves with, we've got bigger problems.

I find it very odd that the toys' arms and legs were normal, human-looking appendages. As with many other toys on the 80's, it prompts me to wonder if Food Fighters weren't just the marriage of two factory fuck ups. Shit, these rubber food dolls came out with gruesome faces. Damn, these army men arms and legs are too small for the Rambo action figures. What if...?

Through some random act of luck, our Mom let us buy ALL of the Food Fighters and their vehicles.This transport unit was called the Combat Carton. It could fit a bunch of the good guys as they rode off to battle the bad guys. But look out above! The fry chopper might drop ketchup bombs all over that shit!

I think the most amusing of them all was the french fry guy, "Fat Fry."

Did these toys make sense? Absolutely not. Were they cool? Debatable. Did we have a hell of a lot of fun with them? Heck yes!