Micro Machines: It's the real thing

Despite their size, Micro Machines were HUGE in the late 80's. I used to have a billion of them, and of course the Lamborghini was THE coolest one you could own. I think the one pictured above (which is actually mine that I still have) is the pinnacle of 80's coolness with its fluorescent yellow paint job and hot pink windshield. The cars ranged in complexity from the simple ones like the Lamborghini pictured above to ones with interchangeable wheels; opening doors, trunks, and hoods; and working head and tail lights. There were also a slew of accessories and larger toys that came later on. I also had the aircraft carrier, which stored a few dozen cars in the bottom level (like all real-life aircraft carriers), had elevators to bring the fighter jets to the launching deck, and storage for smaller boats.
There was also a series of city style toys where you could drive your micro machines around. I used to have both of these and loved them so much. You could connect as many of these together as you wanted to build a huge megalopolis or you could be content to play with one at a time.



Looking at these pictures now makes me want them all back with a wide open living room floor and about 4 hours of a Saturday afternoon.

Battle Beasts

Toy companies are evil. They prey on stupid kids with lame gimmicks and force parents to spend money on toys that aren't even easy for their kids to play with. Take Battle Beasts, another Hasbro debacle. I probably had about ten of these little buttholes. Standing at only 2" tall, they were too small to do much with, yet do to powers completely out of my control, I wanted them all? Why? Because they had heat-sensitive rubbing squares on their chests that revealed what element they represented, that's why! Yes, each little Battle Beast had either 'wood', 'fire' or 'water' embossed on their armored chest plate, but you could only find out which element a Battle Beast would represent until you bought the thing and rubbed it (this is getting graphic).

Aside from the novelty and mystery of what symbol they'd represent, as kids, we always fell for

toys that played with the size of things. "Oh my God! It's a *tiny* car and not a regular sized car!

That's awesome! Give me twenty of em." I did have fun with them though. I guess? I mean, what can you do with them? Their joints barely moved.

I now realize the white lion in the blue with the eye patch looks like David Bowie circa Diamond Dogs.

Food Fighters: Freaky Fun

Food Fighters were one of the last sets of toys I had as a kid. I remember visiting our cousin in Pennsylvania and he had a few of the action figures. For whatever childhood reason, we decided that they were the new coolest thing ever. Looking back on them after many years makes me realize how freakish some of them really were.

For example, check out the chicken wing above (Lieutenant Legg). That's a really freaky face he's got. Also pictured above is Sgt. Scoop and Private Pizza. Sgt. Scoop was my favorite of the food fighters and I honestly don't remember why. I think it was the first one I got.

Some great bad guy names were Mean Weener and Taco Terror. After reading all the names on the wikipedia entry, I realized that the good guys were ranking officers of some culinary branch of the military, while the bad guys were street level gangsters. I'm not sure how the two got pitted together, but then again, if that's the only fact error we're concerning ourselves with, we've got bigger problems.

I find it very odd that the toys' arms and legs were normal, human-looking appendages. As with many other toys on the 80's, it prompts me to wonder if Food Fighters weren't just the marriage of two factory fuck ups. Shit, these rubber food dolls came out with gruesome faces. Damn, these army men arms and legs are too small for the Rambo action figures. What if...?

Through some random act of luck, our Mom let us buy ALL of the Food Fighters and their vehicles.This transport unit was called the Combat Carton. It could fit a bunch of the good guys as they rode off to battle the bad guys. But look out above! The fry chopper might drop ketchup bombs all over that shit!

I think the most amusing of them all was the french fry guy, "Fat Fry."

Did these toys make sense? Absolutely not. Were they cool? Debatable. Did we have a hell of a lot of fun with them? Heck yes!

The 80's Batmobile: Retro was still in style

A friend just commented on another post in this blog reminding me about an old department store called Zayre

The Hollywood Fashion Center had a Zayre and it was clearly on the low end of the fashion feeding chain. I have no idea why shopping at certain stores indicates social status when they sell mostly the same shit, but Zayre was definitely a bargain joint. For some reason we went there when I was really young with the express intent of buying the Batmobile. I can remember the day vividly. One of my friends and his mom came along to also buy a Batmobile. Maybe the toy was really hot and hard to find and my mom got some inside information that the Zayre was stocked full of them. I'm not sure. But I got it. It was awesome.

I also distinctly remember bringing it to show and tell which must have been right after Christmas, because at least 3 other kids had the same toy with them. As my name fell near the beginning of the alphabet, I got to spoil all the awesome secrets and tricks before anyone else got a chance to.

Back to the 'mobile. Not only was it awesomely retro, but it sat two and came with a bunch of hidden features. The front bumper would shoot out two inches when a secret button was pressed. This was frequently utilized to knock down bad guys. Also, the back bumper extended in a clamping motion to put the pinch on The Penguin. I'm not sure why a bad guy would be standing immediately behind the vehicle unless he was trying to copy down Batman's license plate number. But if he was, he was in for a load of hurt. I also remember a 3rd feature but can't seem to put my finger on it. Maybe the "lights" came on (meaning yellow pieces of plastic would pop up where the lights were, indicating illumination).

I liked that this toy wasn't trying to look 80's in any way. Every subsequent Batman installation gave the Batmobile an upgrade or refurbishing. But for us 80's kids, the old school coupe was good enough for us.



The toy was

Captain Power: or lack thereof

Captain Power is a perfect example of how toy manufacturers would exploit children's imaginations beyond normal limits. With this toy, they would have us believe that you could use it to shoot at your TV screen much like a video game of later eras. The only problem was that Captain Power's interface was a VHS tape, which has no capacity for interaction.

I distinctly remember playing this "game" for the 3rd time and realizing that the same bad guys were blowing up each time we played. If the company was smart, they would have made a bad guy explode at least once per second to at least make the kid believe he was having some sort of effect on the whole process. Yet, there were hardly a dozen bad guy explosions for the duration of the video (which had to be at least 10 minutes long).

Furthermore, the TV could presumably shoot back at you, as the toy had a light sensor built in to respond to bright flashes. I don't remember if this happened or not because we were too smart for the whole enterprise and covered our light sensor with tape.

All this being said, you could still use the toys in a laser tag style game with each other, provided your sibling/friend owned another one. This was more fun and actually interactive. When you got shot, your action figure was catapulted out of the ship with a violent vibrating action. I remember that I owned the bad guy ship (pictured above) and it was pretty bad ass.

I feel that the main reason we bought these toys was because of the VHS tape and the lure of interactive television based playing. Unfortunately for us, it was a big hoax and we fell for it.

The 2nd commercial has a little gem for our good friend CH

Water Wiggle = Waste of Water

Toys that didn't work as advertised were a rampant problem in the 80's. In the commercial, they would be these magnificent specimens of playtime engineering, but in reality, they didn't work at all. I remember my Mom getting us a water wiggle one hot summer, my little head filled with dreams of outdoor refreshment. We plugged it into our hose and cranked it up. The commercial depicts it as a magical ghost like creature, hovering around the yard on a jet stream of water. Since it was much heavier at its top, however, the reality was that it took an immediate nose dive into the ground and proceeded to shoot water straight up into the air. I'm reminded of the old NASA footage of an early rocket lifting off briefly, only to flip over and crash right into the ground (youtube is failing me at the moment).

In the end, Wham-O made off with our 12 bucks as it helped some rubber magnate dispose of its stock of an unusable gauge of hose.

Stinkor. The toy that stunk.

In 1985, some chemical company botched a batch of their new food additive and it STUNK. "How the hell are we going to get rid of this crap?" said their pissed off CEO. "It smells terrible." Some soon to be promoted underling chimed in, "But sir, it IS non-toxic."

Presumably, this is how Stinkor (an anthropomorphic skunk with magical control over his own stench, from Wikipedia) came into being. A little research revealed that it was actually the scent of patchouli oil that provided our little skunk friend with enough kick to taint your whole toybox.

Whose idea was this character? It lines up with the gross out factor of many 80's toys, but still was a terrible idea. I'm sure that mothers around the nation cursed this freaky looking little mutant as he befouled their homes with his nefarious odor.

I distinctly remember getting Stinkor as a gift and grossing out all the kids at the party with dares of a whiff. I'm convinced that his smell is still tattooed on my brain.

Madballs!

The 80's ushered in an era of "gross out" toys. For some reason, gross sold and for us kids, the grosser the better. Madballs were self-proclaimed grossness and besides their appearance, I'm not sure why. They clearly could have oozed slime or smelled bad (Stinkor, I'm looking in your direction). But they didn't. I used to have the eyeball, as it was clearly the coolest one. I remember they didn't bounce because they were somewhat nerf-like, yet they weren't feather light. I tried to bounce mine one day by throwing it on the ground really hard. Somehow through some miscalculation, I hit my thumb on the window sill, causing the nail to bend back. It hurt like hell, and I developed a legitimate fear of these little spherical monsters.

Autobot City

Welcome to Autobot City!

The purpose of this blog is to highlight awesome toys from the 80s. I will never, ever, EVER nerd out and include all sorts of stats, vitals, complete factual histories, etc of these toys. The sole purpose is to say, "Holy shit! I remember that toy!" Please jump in with your own personal memories of each item highlighted.

To start, our namesake, Metroplex (aka Autobot City). I had this toy. It was BAD ASS. It featured 3 modes:
Robot mode

Motile war vehicle mode

and "autobot city" mode


In the robot mode, it was easily 5 times taller than any other transformer toy you owned, therefore it kicked 5 times more ass. My favorite was the city mode, as each arm/leg opened up to reveal weapons, storage areas, helipads, and even a little car with a ramp.

This was a trump card toy, in that you could be the coolest kid in school if you had it. I had it and I loved that shit.

Here's an awesome original commercial


And this guy is a HUGE loser: I will never make this blog into this dude's style.